Happy Birthday

Guess what? I went to Cuba and watched Kayla get married! Yeah, I surprised everyone! And it took the same amount of time to get there than I spent actually being there! I did it for you, Dad. I know how much you would have wanted me and Kate there Dad. You would have loved it!

The sun was shining, it was right on the beach, there was champagne and so many beautiful people and dresses. It was all inclusive, because you decided you like that now. It would have been perfect, but then I saw Andrea standing there. Without you. And I was very sad, Dad. She was smiling, but I knew she was very sad too. You were supposed to be there. I still can't figure out why you weren't.

I was in Madrid and I went to a famous art gallery. Only, all I thought about was the last one I went to, the one we went to in Philadelphia, remember? It was my favourite out of all the museums I had ever been to, because you were there with me. And I cried the whole time I was in there by myself. People kept staring at me with sympathy because they thought I was just passionate about art.

You are on my mind during 90 percent of every day, Dad. I love you more than my own life.

When I went back to work, right after your funeral, a man who looked just like you collapsed in front of me in the aisle. And it was you I saw fall, Dad. It was you lying there, Dad. And I froze. I almost couldn't help him. I almost couldn't look. But he was ok though Dad, just fainted.

What I will hate the most is how much you are going to miss out on. Our conversations were always about things you knew had happened. Things that you were there for. I don't want to have a boyfriend you've never met before, put insignificant posts up on facebook that you won't see, write about things in my blog that you won't read. I don't want to play the cello with Kate and not you. I don't want to keep going, Dad. It's so empty now, I don't see the point in anything anyjmore. I am so tired of it all. I felt you go, Dad. And when we were putting you in the ground, I have never wanted anything more in my life, in my entire existence on this earth, than to go with you.

But that's not what you want. You want, with all your might, for me and Kate to live. Live life to the fullest. You thought we were so precious. You thought we were so perfect. And because of that, I will go through life with all the strength I have, for you. And I will take care of my sister, because I love her so much just like you Dad. And Andrea, and her girls too.

You already know what I'm going to say next.

When you first met me, Mom had just divorced and I was already spending a significant amount of time being left alone. It was a struggle, just me and Mom. For more reasons unseen than there were seen. But then, one day, you threw a snowball at my face and that was the best day that ever happened. You came into my life and kept me from falling into a deep, dark hole. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by all the Skarets. And boy, were there a lot of them! They became all I ever wanted, my family. They accepted me, unconditionally. They grounded me, just like you. You know all that.

And then, the greatest gift came along, Kate. With all her bonde curly hair and pudgy cheeks. My dear, sweet sister.

And when you and Mom couldn't live together anymore, you told her that she had another thing coming if she thought you were leaving me and Kate. And you never.

I've told you I'll always be angry, Dad. Angry because you didn't have to feel like you were going crazy. You didn't have to get arrested. You never deserved a criminal record. You weren't abusive. You went through bullshit after bullshit dished out by too many people, showing up too many times at the door of two different houses in which you were not welcome, in order to see me and Kate. It was more than just my mother who would make me go to the other room while you and Kate left. The excuse was that I wasn't your 'real' daughter, so I shouldn't get to see you. This went on for a long time. And you never quit. You fought all that insanity with a vengeance. You married my mother, Dad. You deserve a god damned gold medal.

And you could see the humour in even the most hopeless situations. Only you could make sense out of what was happening and you talked me through it all. We made a plan together. We decoded Mom's behaviour. You made me understand. You were there with a subbornness I have never seen in another human being before.

The things that you and I talked about, the things that no one else will ever understand, will stay between you and me. The truths that we spoke about when things ended with you and Mom, about life, those conversations are the only reason I got through any of it. It was all the times you would sit at the kitchen table at the farm with your coffee, waiting for me to sit down across from you, no matter how long I'd take, just so we could talk about my day. No one else will ever begin to understand, and that's ok, Dad. I always knew that. You did too. It doesn't mean it never happened, that it wasn't real. It will stay real only to me now Dad and I will keep living my life exactly how you wanted. How you told me to, everyday.

Cooper and I are talking. I hate with every fibre in my body the reason why, and I cry every time I see his emails. Everytime I think about him. And I will go to him when I need to, because it's what you wanted. He's a pretty cool friend of yours, Dad.

I am so sad that you are gone. It kills everything inside me. But you prepared me, all my life, for this. And you're not even gone. You have left me with the only thing I ever needed growing up, everything I've ever wanted. A family. And, Andrea and her girls are the newest additions. I will love them with all my might, Dad. Until I die. You have made me so strong.

And until we meet again, Dad, I'll always be your Bailey Sue, your daughter that you never quit on.

I'm still sitting there, at that table, looking out at the snow through the window. You're sipping your coffee. It's just me and you, and I'm still telling you about my day.

Happy birthday, Dad.