How To Be Argentine

Ever wondered how to be a real Argentinian? Well my lovelies, your prayers have finally been answered. Just a few simple steps and you will find yourself right on your way to being South America's next top Latino: 1) Mate. No, this is not pronounced as an amigo you might go out to a pub with, it's much better than that. It is pronounced, Mah-Tay. A fantastical cup of ridiculously caffeinated tea that will thrill your senses, send you over the edge tingling with joy, fling your once lifeless body over the edge into epileptic pulses of energy in just a few sips. It is found in an Argentine's hand, a roundish hand-made cup made out of squash decorated quite nicely I might add, with a silver straw protruding from it. As if passing a bong, you pass the mate round your circle of friends in Argentina. It is a very social way to get the willies from caffeine. 2) Meat. I'm quite sure Argentines are anemic. The amount of meat which finds itself into their systems is astonishing. And not just any meat either, it's Argentine meat. Soft, melt in your mouth steak that eats like butter and makes love to your tongue. I am not joking, it's a little bit disconcerting. 3) Fernet. Their national beverage, formerly known as Fernet, is mixed with Cola and contains 45% alcohol. It is said also to contain small quantities of absinthe. Imagine black licorice flavoured Listernine. It stings your tongue, like you have been hit in the nose. Followed by your swallow comes a cough, your eyes sting, your brain hurts. As soon as it's over, a warm wave of relief washes over you as if your body is telling you yes, I've recovered just now but please don't do that to me again, and you are left golf ball eyed awake. If a person can be found shooting fernet straight, they are either Argentine or quite politely out of their mind. Note: **Use in moderation, with slight caution. Do not operate heavy machinery while drinking this drink. Not recommended for pregnant women. Or, women not wanting to get pregnant. Do not give to any of your Aunts.** 4) Finally, the Milonga. There are 3 types of Tango: Traditional Tango, Waltz Tango and Milonga. Learn them, live them, love them. Forgive me, but due to some technical difficulties I am only able to send you one photo. And that is of a ravenous Bailey devouring a coronary bypass-type gigantic pile of meat. Enjoy, The Argentine